1. |
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2. |
freedom done unto us
03:20
|
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|
let me choke
on everything that i broke
take every handful of shards and
shove them down my throat
i'm only ever good at absorbing everything
i can find out what you need
i can be anything
i often wonder what's behind the curtains i've put up
locked myself away from the most honest parts of myself
conscientiousness is nothing but a predictor
for always feeling like a mess
for always feeling the weight of my
own self-imposed consequences
calling, chastising myself
critical thinking: if i can put it into something i can measure
then i guess it just makes sense that i'm fucked up
biochemical meat puppet!
is all i ever clung to for so many years
as i grappled with every inch of my existence
every part of this shit i'm in that doesn't make any sense
i didn't ask to start off in such a mess
always playing second best
to my own self-imposed criticisms
cynicism's the only thing i've known to keep my heart beating
|
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3. |
intermission i
01:00
|
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4. |
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|
absolute unwillingness to participate
absolutely nothing of this has ever made me want to wait
and stick around long enough, not even for the morbidity
of my curiosity, not even for the comedy
nothing here was made for me
and i dont even think it’s worth creating anything
when it gets washed away by everything
they’ve told themselves is humanity
nothing here is for me
bring me flowers at my feet
burn them to ash
rub the charcoal over me
nothing here is for me
i dont even feel like suffering
i dont care what cleanses me
just put me back into
what became of me
what became of me
what became of me
what became of me
|
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5. |
[breakdown]
00:35
|
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6. |
||||
|
i can't keep eating
can't keep on feeding the same thing
that at night, i pray gets to die
just for the release it needs
just so i can forget everything
i can't keep feeding the demons in me
my mother always told me not to summon
anything I wasn't prepared to deal with
well, tell me, how do i handle this?
i wasn't prepared for this
i didn't think of consequences
to always thinking i knew better
that if i just weathered, eventually i'd get much better
life's supposed work
in at least some sort of way
that other people make sense of
that always escaped my sights
i feel like i'm falling
always spinning endlessly
my dreams are always haunting me
i can't succeed at anything
not even seeing me for me
not even traversing the paths that i've laid before me
cement cakes under my nail beds
remember when we were just kids
and i said that i'd get us out of this shit?
here i am, always failing
here i am, never grasping
anything in front of me
my god, you must be laughing me
everything in front of me
i paint into a travesty
i can't keep feeding me
i can't keep running around in everything
constantly wading through my own defeat
constantly waiting for the end to finally grasp me
let me find it, let me rip it out -
take its teeth
let me see its ugly face and tell it to get out of me
my mother always taught that
if you fucked up and it's there
you better get your shit together
put it back where it belongs, before you give it too long
to take over all of your heart
don't forget you already knew this all along
you just lack the confidence
to grab it by its jaws
rip them open, take its heart
eat it before it gets the chance to fall apart completely
don't forget you're always learning
don't forget you're always growing
don't forget no matter how dark it gets that you're still seeing
|
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7. |
intermission ii
00:51
|
|||
8. |
||||
|
scrub the body, or leave it in the lake
it doesn't matter anyway what mistakes you make
pull out the eyes, and eat its sight
vomit the dross from in you
pity yourself just like you used to
I don't need anything, beyond a second coming
the first never goes too far
and I need to feel powerful
like everything breaks under me
like I'm the force of my own reckoning
pity me like you would a god
let me be reborn above
every hierarchical scheme
you hold onto just to believe
apply everything you see into something that you may need
let me in just to feed
let me hold down everything
wash the body in the lake, and break all of its limbs away
the things you want and you can't speak
the things that it no longer needs
it's just the flesh.
it's just a thing to get past.
they tell me when you start to dissect
it's more familiar than you'd expect
summon me like the demons in your dreams, creep into your bed sheets
I can set your body free, I can set your body free
give it to the earth so he can become what he wants to be
a part of everything
I can set your body free
drown it til it satiates me
I can make you feel something
a part of everything
|
||||
9. |
||||
|
grow up in a first world country
struggle to make rent
everything gets handed to you
and don't you dare forget
crisis lines that call the cops
jailed for your health
promises to make you better
if you had the wealth
12 years in a school system
20 to unlearn
kids are social influencers
but still can't afford their phone
a Protestant fever dream
educated, unemployed
pull yourself up each day
be easy to exploit
|
||||
10. |
||||
|
everything I've ever been through
started off as something truly pitiful
some things manifest from within me
some things were slated to get to me from the beginning
everything I've been dragged through
was some part of a sick tutorial
into a killing game, you've got to swallow this life's pain
fated from the start, some things are meant to fall apart
sometimes we have to break our ribs
just to finally feel the weight of it
just to pry open the cage, release all of the shame
come face to face with every way that we've let a part of ourselves decay
a part of ourselves left to whither away
how could we get any stronger if we just continue to coddle
everything inside, desperately screaming to feel life
sometimes we have to crash under all the weight
of everything we've been too afraid to face, until we can't escape it anymore
sometimes I think the raptures emotional
everyone will hit a point where their whole life comes point blank
with everything we've learned to hide
everything we've protected all our lives
ultimately it doesn't matter who you are
people come to devastate, that's just who they are
ultimately it doesn't matter how good you are
fated from the start, sometimes things just have to break apart
for us to see what we've really been truly needing
everything here before us is something we've built to succeed
nothings really fair, but it's whole still
evils really there, but there's good, too
everything inside you deserved to see
the daylight coming in through all the cracks of your defeat
some things are a killing game
some things are meant to be slated with pain
|
||||
11. |
intermission iii
00:59
|
|||
12. |
ambition for deviance
05:41
|
|||
|
the sound, the sound
the deafening sound of everything
crashing around me
pull the alarms
just like that time that girl threw a Molotov into the ceiling
and we all got the break we needed
a local hero at just 15
all i ever dreamed of growing up was retirement
the chance for me to finally relax
and pick up all of the pieces i dropped as a kid
sometimes it feels like every day i lay broken
at some point, in the bed that i've made
sometimes it feels like no matter who or what i am
i'll never be enough to make enough to
get myself out of this
to be worthy of commitment
from myself, or from anything else
i'm just going and going too quick
i just keep myself going so i can finally quit
i just keep myself going so i can prove to myself i'm worth something
so i can prove that i don't accommodations
for anything, i can handle this better anything
trust me
going and going insane, circling
some kind of working class pain
im going and going insane
some kind of working class pain
the sound, the sound
the deafening sound
just like when they threw us on lockdown
finally, the break we all needed
for minutes or an hour, we'll savour what this crisis gives us:
a pause for now; gives us a chance to come down
a local hero
burn it all down
a local hero
burn it all down
a local hero
burn it all down
the things that encase us
burn it all down
and sound the alarms
the break we needed
sound the alarms
|
||||
13. |
intermission iv
01:18
|
|||
14. |
i hold the gun now
02:25
|
|||
|
shot the quarter from between his fingers
you sure know how to have a good time
blow out the candles with a bullet
you sure know how to have fun
penultimate victim
the birth of a demon
genesis of violent chronicles
of torture and shame
what am i supposed to do with myself
except find new ways to get off
what else is there to possibly learn
besides more ways to turn myself on
i used to think i could see the future
now there isn't one at all
i've forgotten i'm a person
i've forgotten how to get along
every day is exactly the same
every day is exactly the same
there is no love here and there is no pain
every day is exactly the same
|
||||
retrogress British Columbia
/he|him\
ts'msyen
some kind of experimental half improvisational series of
sounds
"i feel like i'm listening to gold dust exploding in space"
- critic review of the beginnings of my first album
"what kind of trip even is this"
- yet another critic review
"existential wailing, but bitch I bleed with you" - a 2022 review
... more
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