'naym waan

by retrogress

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03:17
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04:05
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02:36
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05:15
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03:29
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07:19
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about

Happy Aboriginal Day~ My first Real Album™️ done a little more properly, yet still from within my bedroom.
While this album is free, buying it (for however much you think it's worth or can reasonably spend on it) essentially means making my accessibility to treatment and education more reasonable.

credits

released June 21, 2016

An extremely special, grateful shoutout to my truly ethereal girlfriend. If it wasn't for her support, inspiration, and time put into reviewing my work, this album would not have released as soon as it has, with the ease that it has. I am so glad to be able to make the mediocre music I do, to be able to share it with others, and having her in particular to share my music with on such an open, candid level, has been a blessing.

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

retrogress British Columbia

"i feel like i'm listening to gold dust exploding in space"
- critic review of the beginnings of my first album

"what kind of trip even is this"
- yet another critic review

contact / help

Contact retrogress

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Track Name: the last time ii
i stopped eating again
can hardly remember the last time
i felt this human
i spent the day looking at abstract paintings
i thought of you

my head's been spinning again
can hardly remember the last time
i felt thin
i went on a long walk to help me disappear
i thought of you

i wish i didnt know
what it was like
i wish i didnt know
what i am like

i stopped eating again
can hardly remember

my god i wish that i was thin
Track Name: judgement
i should probably stop getting off to your photos
I'm sure that's rude of me
but, what's the damage, really?
but i'm sure that's fucked of me
truth is you wouldn't want to touch me anyway
i'm a hurricane
just the other day i spent my night shaking
my brain's a bloody blender, a massacre left on replay
but i just want to make you feel better
than I'm capable of myself
just yesterday there was a corpse in my bedroom
it didn't want me either
Track Name: sadomasochism
i'm strong but I don’t want to be
just please stop hurting me
you’re as kind to me as nature is
to the deceased
i'm kind but i don't want to be
but i cant stop hurting me

enveloped in your ego
sweet prince, abandoned son
drain the fight from within me
but i guess that’s half the fun

i'm strong but i don't want to be
just please, please
stop hurting me
Track Name: tolerance
i’m trying to make it work out of nothing
but it’s all a joke anyway
i didn’t ask for my life to be stolen from me
but you just came and took it away

born rabid, fighting feral
i’ll dig into myself before you ever have a chance to
high out of my mind, i held the world in my hands
and i ate it before you ever had a chance to

nothing’s ever quite as bittersweet
as the blinding megalomania
i know i’m pointless, and this is futile
but still i can do no wrong

im trying to make it work out of nothing
but its all a joke anyway
you dont ask for a life, you’re just handed it
and then nothing lets you take it away

the biggest mistake you ever made was trying to have your fun
the biggest mistake i ever made was thinking it was supposed to be fun

nothing’s ever quite as bittersweet
as the taste of your own blood
coughing up huff like pneumonia
but still you can do no wrong

im trying to make it work out after everything you’ve done
but it’s all a joke anyway

im learning how to work things out after everything i’ve done
pick myself back up again
remember where i came from

high out of my mind, i held the world in my hands
and i kept it
Track Name: fault
i won’t miss you when you go
i want you to know that i won’t miss you
not at all
i want you to know that it’s all your fault
come on, we have so many little toys
don’t you want to play anymore
i won’t miss you, not at all
i hope you take all your narcissism with you
it’s all your fault
i hope you know that
it’s all your fault it’s all your fault it’s all your fault
Track Name: fervid
everyone i love leaves me for themselves
you were someone i fucked
and now it feels like you're dying
and mortality is the last thing
that i need more exposure to

everything i tried everything i tried
to feel something
i want to feel something
so god let me feel something
i just want to feel something

so have me anyway you want
i’ve been waiting all night long
so shoot me up and knock me down
no one can ever love me
like i love my doubts

everything i tried everything i tried
to feel something
i want to feel something
so god let me feel something
i just want to feel something
so god just let me fucking
feel something
Track Name: child's play
when i’m home alone i’m afraid to turn the lights on
terrified that someone may see me
in the troves of my self pity, fucking personal calamities
they’d know, too much

i would have tried to tell you no
but i know you'd never listen
would have tried to be a good boy
but you ended up with me instead

it's been weeks now since i've even left my home
in here i'm sanctioned, this is no sanctuary
i've locked myself away
so that you can't do it for me anymore
no you can’t get me in here
anymore

i would have tried to tell you no
but i know you'd never listen
would have tried to be a good boy
but you ended up with me instead

this was all childs play
these were all childrens games

i would have tried to tell you no
but you'd only hurt me
Track Name: je t'aime et je suis désolé
im gonna need a cure for love
if this keeps going on
because I'm already sorry for
conversations gone too long
i know that you’re too good for me
but i can never get enough
so whatever you need me to be
let me know and i’ll figure it out
but if one day i grow up
to do bad things
i hope that you could find some way
to forgive me
and to give me distance
far away from you
because there are things that
i would never want
to put you through

and i guess i’ll accept my fate
that i might fuck up sometimes
i learned how to calculate
instead of socialize
so this might be hard
and i suppose that’s fine
but i never want my ego
to come before your mind
because I'm already sorry for
being so contrite

x

and i wish there was someway i could explain
that not much out there gives me this much hope
i wish i could articulate how valued you are
i’ll always try to be delicate
dont want to leave a single scar

so if I grow up and
do bad things
i hope that you could find some way
to leave me
and to give yourself the distance
far away from my mess
because there are things that
i would never want
to put you through
Track Name: aeipathy
I have learned to be wary when someone tells me that they love me.
When you are plagued with incurable illness, you know
That people tend to enjoy facets of your personality,
Like singular bright constellations of who you are
But that does not mean they can handle you as an entire galaxy.
It took me a long time to feel broken as a person,
But the first time I collapsed onto the concrete street
Will always be cemented in my mind.
I know now that I am a little older, that people are not ready
To be your crutches at 2 in the afternoon
When they have work to get to.
Now that I’m a little older, I know
That no matter how hopeful I am,
People will not want to listen to my being realistic.
I am not pessimistic, but my reality is that of 4 am hospital visits,
Shaking until I vomit and bite into my tongue,
And no matter how hard you hold me, I will only bruise.
I am a force of nature, and like the quake of the earth
You can not stop me.
I am a fault line, and underneath my surface is a system of malicious bacteria
Waiting to create fissures in all of my relationships.
I have learned that when someone tells me that they love me,
They also have to love my illness.
Loving me means loving the tremor in my hands,
The rasp in my voice, the vertigo before bedtime,
The fog in my brain that will at times cause me to forget your name and your birthday.
I have learned to be wary when someone tells me that they love me,
Because loving me comes at a cost far beyond medical bills.
Loving me is sleep lost, time spent, migraines and back aches
And full days spent napping with uncomfortable heart monitors on.
Loving me means bittersweet road trips I can't afford,
To doctors that I don't want to see.
I am a bomb, waiting to go off at the most inconvenient moment,
When I'm meeting your friends, and the pain inside me sings louder than church choirs,
When all you want is sleep because you are so tired of me being tired.
But, loving you means I will go to exceptional lengths
To make sure you are okay, even when I'm so faint I can hardly stand
I will use every last ounce of my pitiful remnants of strength
To pull you out of any emotional gutter you find yourself in
Loving me means late night talks, and warm drinks when you are sad
Loving me means terrible songs and poetry, written with the best of intentions
Loving me means that even though one day I may go,
Far sooner than you,
I will do everything I can, with every last fibre of my broken being
To make you hope that I stay.
But, I have learned to be wary when someone tells me that they love me,
Because I know that one day, I will dissipate,
And I will damage,
And they will go.