i stopped eating again can hardly remember the last time i felt this human i spent the day looking at abstract paintings i thought of you my head's been spinning again can hardly remember the last time i felt thin i went on a long walk to help me disappear i thought of you i wish i didnt know what it was like i wish i didnt know what i am like i stopped eating again can hardly remember my god i wish that i was thin

i should probably stop getting off to your photos I'm sure that's rude of me but, what's the damage, really? but i'm sure that's fucked of me truth is you wouldn't want to touch me anyway i'm a hurricane just the other day i spent my night shaking my brain's a bloody blender, a massacre left on replay but i just want to make you feel better than I'm capable of myself just yesterday there was a corpse in my bedroom it didn't want me either

i'm strong but I don’t want to be just please stop hurting me you’re as kind to me as nature is to the deceased i'm kind but i don't want to be but i cant stop hurting me enveloped in your ego sweet prince, abandoned son drain the fight from within me but i guess that’s half the fun i'm strong but i don't want to be just please, please stop hurting me

i’m trying to make it work out of nothing but it’s all a joke anyway i didn’t ask for my life to be stolen from me but you just came and took it away born rabid, fighting feral i’ll dig into myself before you ever have a chance to high out of my mind, i held the world in my hands and i ate it before you ever had a chance to nothing’s ever quite as bittersweet as the blinding megalomania i know i’m pointless, and this is futile but still i can do no wrong im trying to make it work out of nothing but its all a joke anyway you dont ask for a life, you’re just handed it and then nothing lets you take it away the biggest mistake you ever made was trying to have your fun the biggest mistake i ever made was thinking it was supposed to be fun nothing’s ever quite as bittersweet as the taste of your own blood coughing up huff like pneumonia but still you can do no wrong im trying to make it work out after everything you’ve done but it’s all a joke anyway im learning how to work things out after everything i’ve done pick myself back up again remember where i came from high out of my mind, i held the world in my hands and i kept it

i won’t miss you when you go i want you to know that i won’t miss you not at all i want you to know that it’s all your fault come on, we have so many little toys don’t you want to play anymore i won’t miss you, not at all i hope you take all your narcissism with you it’s all your fault i hope you know that it’s all your fault it’s all your fault it’s all your fault

everyone i love leaves me for themselves you were someone i fucked and now it feels like you're dying and mortality is the last thing that i need more exposure to everything i tried everything i tried to feel something i want to feel something so god let me feel something i just want to feel something so have me anyway you want i’ve been waiting all night long so shoot me up and knock me down no one can ever love me like i love my doubts everything i tried everything i tried to feel something i want to feel something so god let me feel something i just want to feel something so god just let me fucking feel something

when i’m home alone i’m afraid to turn the lights on terrified that someone may see me in the troves of my self pity, fucking personal calamities they’d know, too much i would have tried to tell you no but i know you'd never listen would have tried to be a good boy but you ended up with me instead it's been weeks now since i've even left my home in here i'm sanctioned, this is no sanctuary i've locked myself away so that you can't do it for me anymore no you can’t get me in here anymore i would have tried to tell you no but i know you'd never listen would have tried to be a good boy but you ended up with me instead this was all childs play these were all childrens games i would have tried to tell you no but you'd only hurt me

im gonna need a cure for love if this keeps going on because I'm already sorry for conversations gone too long i know that you’re too good for me but i can never get enough so whatever you need me to be let me know and i’ll figure it out but if one day i grow up to do bad things i hope that you could find some way to forgive me and to give me distance far away from you because there are things that i would never want to put you through and i guess i’ll accept my fate that i might fuck up sometimes i learned how to calculate instead of socialize so this might be hard and i suppose that’s fine but i never want my ego to come before your mind because I'm already sorry for being so contrite x and i wish there was someway i could explain that not much out there gives me this much hope i wish i could articulate how valued you are i’ll always try to be delicate dont want to leave a single scar so if I grow up and do bad things i hope that you could find some way to leave me and to give yourself the distance far away from my mess because there are things that i would never want to put you through

I have learned to be wary when someone tells me that they love me. When you are plagued with incurable illness, you know That people tend to enjoy facets of your personality, Like singular bright constellations of who you are But that does not mean they can handle you as an entire galaxy. It took me a long time to feel broken as a person, But the first time I collapsed onto the concrete street Will always be cemented in my mind. I know now that I am a little older, that people are not ready To be your crutches at 2 in the afternoon When they have work to get to. Now that I’m a little older, I know That no matter how hopeful I am, People will not want to listen to my being realistic. I am not pessimistic, but my reality is that of 4 am hospital visits, Shaking until I vomit and bite into my tongue, And no matter how hard you hold me, I will only bruise. I am a force of nature, and like the quake of the earth You can not stop me. I am a fault line, and underneath my surface is a system of malicious bacteria Waiting to create fissures in all of my relationships. I have learned that when someone tells me that they love me, They also have to love my illness. Loving me means loving the tremor in my hands, The rasp in my voice, the vertigo before bedtime, The fog in my brain that will at times cause me to forget your name and your birthday. I have learned to be wary when someone tells me that they love me, Because loving me comes at a cost far beyond medical bills. Loving me is sleep lost, time spent, migraines and back aches And full days spent napping with uncomfortable heart monitors on. Loving me means bittersweet road trips I can't afford, To doctors that I don't want to see. I am a bomb, waiting to go off at the most inconvenient moment, When I'm meeting your friends, and the pain inside me sings louder than church choirs, When all you want is sleep because you are so tired of me being tired. But, loving you means I will go to exceptional lengths To make sure you are okay, even when I'm so faint I can hardly stand I will use every last ounce of my pitiful remnants of strength To pull you out of any emotional gutter you find yourself in Loving me means late night talks, and warm drinks when you are sad Loving me means terrible songs and poetry, written with the best of intentions Loving me means that even though one day I may go, Far sooner than you, I will do everything I can, with every last fibre of my broken being To make you hope that I stay. But, I have learned to be wary when someone tells me that they love me, Because I know that one day, I will dissipate, And I will damage, And they will go.